Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
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doing your own taxes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting