The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
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My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
synchronized noseblowing
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*