The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
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*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.