The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
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When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense