[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
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“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.