The future is now.
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[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.