The future is now.
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I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR