The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
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You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.