I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Finally
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”