@YourAnMoron: The gas station air pump costs a dollar because air doesn't grow on trees.
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@tiffaynay: Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like? Me (thinking she said 'side'): fries. BK: What? Me: *more forcefully* fries.
@johnalogue: Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
@Barknado69: Friend: just make small talk *later, on date* Me: so...grains of sand Her: uh yea- Me: dwarves Her: are u okay- Me: bottle caps
@rickolantern: Went to my niece's elementary school field day last week. I won every single event. Every. Single. Event.