@YourAnMoron: The gas station air pump costs a dollar because air doesn't grow on trees.
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@Carbosly: Facebook: I'm happy! Instagram: I'm pretty! Vine: I'm artsy! Pinterest: I'm crafty! Twitter: I'm lying everywhere but here.
@Reverend_Scott: [first date] "So, I heard you work at the circus." [shallows bread stick whole] Nope. "You sure about that?" [chewing on glass] Yup
@amydillon: My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, "it goes by so fast."
@truegritrumble: MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you're not taking this seriously. ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?