[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
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Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
i was baptized in a car wash
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.