Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
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“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Skills
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.