The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
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[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
So creative 😂
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus