Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
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My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on