I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
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I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
first you must answer his riddles
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.