Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
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“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.