[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
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I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now