me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
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Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!