21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
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Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
No, I don’t think I will.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.