The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”