@offsidebastard: The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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@OtherDanOBrien: [Cat Businessmen] "Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh." *sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
@PRESTONinCOLOR: Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it's not just women who won't marry you.
@Awesomemom10: Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won't realize I paid with Monopoly money.
@ddsmidt: Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.