The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
How your email finds me
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months