@louise_vuitton: The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as "Meghen" like I lay eggs or some shit.
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@roxiqt: If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
@mattyglesias: Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn't use a private email server.
@lazerdoov: *Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I'm hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
@Mr_Kapowski: Q: When is Santa's birthday? A: Since Santa comes once a year and he's married, Santa's birthday is December 25th