The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
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Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
🤣😂
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.