When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
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The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go