@RykWeston: The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was "in that Titanic movie". Now my ice cream tastes like stupid.
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@theshamingofjay: Divorce is like hitting the reset button on Super Mario Bros except now you pay for the Princess's castle and hope Bowser kills you.
@mayamanion: In my son's class they were talking about allergies, my son said "My mom says she's allergic to most other moms" Super
@david8hughes: [baby wakes up in the middle night] "Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out." [puts baby on eBay]