@RykWeston: The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was "in that Titanic movie". Now my ice cream tastes like stupid.
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@TheToddWilliams: [butterfly residence] WIFE: You said you'd change, Carl HUSBAND: But I have WIFE: Not really HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
@LuvPug: Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
@mortimermaiden: Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty. Me: Nooooooooo. Judge: Again, you're the plaintiff. Me: Haha. Oh yeah.