fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
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I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔