[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
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The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I am never leaving this website
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.