If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
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*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
The human personality is made of five key elements
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.