[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
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Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical