Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
You Might Also Like
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.