Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
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I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms