I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
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I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
goldfish mafia
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”