8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
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Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
a badder mouse
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark