If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
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“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Catercrombie & Fish
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving