Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
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What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My new favorite headline
Great Canadian literature.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”