The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
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TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Hello, my name is Pierre.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.