The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
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an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”