The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
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[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Writing, She Murdered.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.