Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
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I enjoy a good short stor
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no