Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
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I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.