@JD_KC: The goldfish just gave me the "just flush me" look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
@Sickayduh: "Dude, what's with the outfit?"
"Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer"
*hops away in kangaroo costume*
@briancthayer: *licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn--
M: You're welcome.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on...
@IrishVin: My neighbour finally confronted me about clothes missing from her washing line.
I nearly shit her pants.
@shutupmikeginn: 346 character anecdote