@topaz_kell: The good news about falling down the stairs is that my Fitbit counted it as a mile walk.
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@WineMummy: The scene from The Exorcist where she's tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it's me when getting a Brazilian.
@Jenny4ashley: Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? *teleports two inches to the right*
@MsCarlissima: To convince my boss that I'm keeping busy, I periodically yell "YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?" into my phone, then slam down the receiver.
@velvettusk: My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.