@topaz_kell: The good news about falling down the stairs is that my Fitbit counted it as a mile walk.
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@ch000ch: 9am: protein shake, oatmeal 1pm: small salad, chicken breast 5pm: grilled salmon, spinach 9pm: 4 whole "i don't give a shit anymore" pizzas
@QwertyJones3: WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don't you leaf.
@djdarrellripley: Now, if you all will excuse me I'm going into my closet and I'm not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist...
@withanewname: "Yes mam that'll be $1200" "Just to remove a cassette tape that's stuck?" "Ma'm, it's in your CD player"