Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
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[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
he was correct
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows