@topaz_kell: The good news about falling down the stairs is that my Fitbit counted it as a mile walk.
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@JamieDMJ: Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Don't tweet that Me: *thinks about it* Wife: I'll divorce you Me: *thinks harder* Wife: And give you all 4 kids Me: *hits delete*
@_coryrichardson: doctor: *placing his hand on my shoulder* i’m so sorry for your loss me: w-what are you saying doctor: of hearing me: what