@BadassBarbie11: The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I'm tweeting this from inside his trunk.
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@PyrBliss: Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
@SirEviscerate: Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me. *flips coin into ceiling fan, it's knocked out a window into the sea*
@NeinQuarterly: Danke for calling Germany. To order beer, press 1. To order weapons, press 2. To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
@TheJamieLee: My Starbucks guy just said, "Looks like you had a rough night!" ...I didn't even go out.