Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
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If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro