“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
This is painfully accurate 😅
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in