The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
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Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
guilty
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans