The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
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*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
When he asks for feet pics
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft