@AbbyHasIssues: The good news is it wasn't a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
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@ZBH94: *On deathbed* Me: Will someone make that beeping stop? Wife: I GOT IT!!!! *pulls plug* Nurse: You only had to press the mute. Wife: I know.
@KatieBurnett: I've just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented "rip". Stop the internet, I wanna get off
@MrsTomServo: I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, 'cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
@albywizzy: Spoiler Alert: Ladies ,if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear it has a Camera in it.