*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
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Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Raisins are grape jerky.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it