The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
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I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
How I’d get arrested…
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?