Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
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Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it