The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
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They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
what does he know…
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
LA today:
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!