The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
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So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.