@dumbbeezie: The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
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@Black__Elvis: My girlfriend's father got mad that I proposed to her without asking him first but there's just no way I would ever marry that guy.
@shegotagronk: You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
@_ElvishPresley_: [Obama giving Trump the White House tour] O: and here's the toaster, it tends to stick so don't be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
@jctwritesstuff: Me: It's late. Go to sleep. Brain: K. Me: Brain: Me: *kinda dozing off* Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?